Yo. Guys. I did it.
I finally arranged, recorded, mixed, and released two songs that I wrote.
I cannot tell you how legit proud of myself I am.
People often talk about fear of failure, but what people don't often talk about is fear of success - the fear of actually fulfilling your hopes and dreams. It's so easy to spend your life wishing and desiring, and to never actually take that One Step that starts your journey into Something New - much less the Next Step after that, and the Next. Complacency is a drug.
And I was complicit in my complacence (but that's a lyric to a song I haven't released yet. 😉)
I have wanted to be a recording artist for as long as I can remember, and though I took lots of training in vocals, music theory, music production, performance, and other skills; even after releasing a lofi album a few years ago, and having written these two songs even before that, I still didn't release them.
I had more to learn, and I was afraid to go learn it, afraid to do the work, afraid to put it out there.
Fortunately, there exists in my life a beautiful cocktail of Therapy, Meds & Suppliments, Exercise, and a Powerhouse of a Support System of Loved Ones - with Shawna as the Captain of the Guard. And with all of that support, I finally found not only the strength, but the FIRE to learn the skills necessary to do the work, and finally release these two songs.
There are so many more songs I want to release, but in the age of social media & the plan I have with my distributor, why not release what I've got when I've got it?? I could tel myself excuses all day about how "I'll release it when I have more." No. Release the two you have now, then release more later. And even if these two aren't perfect yet, you can update them later and re-release them in a few years when your skills and resources grow. What's stopping you? YOU get to create your own rules. That's the benefit of being an independent artist.
I don't know what finally clicked in me, but I'm glad it did. And I'm happy that these two incredibly perosnal songs are here for you to witness.
Drink Me Lyrics Baby you don’t know how you make me sing.
I shudder at the flutter of your wings.
Bless me with the sweetness of your sting.
Your seductive shadow is all-consuming.
There’s traction in your passion and it’s getting hot.
Deliver me the ecstasy my soul just bought.
Quick before the 13th ringing of the clock.
Baby come and show me what you got.
I want to fall into you.
You light my candle, ring my bell.
Let me bathe in the spirit of you.
I’ll take you to heaven,
If you’ll let me into your personal hell!
Drink me.
I’m your poison, I’m your wine.
Drink me.
I am twisted and divine.
Just one taste and nothing can save you,
You’ll be craving me like I crave you.
Kiss me.
Taste your blood upon my lips.
Take me.
Dig your nails into my hips.
Worship me in ritual adoration.
You’ll be my doom and I’ll be your salvation
Drink me.
Set me as a silver chain about your heart.
Lay me in solitude of your graveyard.
A devil and an angel dancing in the dark.
Tell me it’s the nightengale and not the lark!
I want to fall into you.
You light my candle, ring my bell.
Let me bathe in the spirit of you.
I’ll take you to heaven,
If you’ll let me into your personal hell!
Drink me.
I’m your poison, I’m your wine.
Drink me.
I am twisted and divine.
Just one taste and nothing can save you.
You’ll be craving me like I crave you!
Kiss me.
Taste your blood upon my lips.
Take me.
Dig your nails into my hips.
Worship me in mutual adoration.
You’ll be my doom and I’ll be your salvation!
Drink me.
I’m your poison, I’m your wine.
Drink me.
I am twisted and divine.
Just one taste and nothing can save you.
You’ll be craving me like I crave you!
Kiss me.
Taste your blood upon my lips.
Take me.
Dig your nails into my hips.
Worship me in mutual adoration.
You’ll be my doom and I’ll be your salvation!
Drink me!
Take me!
Drink me.
About Drink Me
This song is my love letter to the Byronic Hero. Raise your hand if you've ever been attracted to the Dangerous Hot Sad Boi Type. 🙋♀️ I volunteer as tribute. For all of them. Not because "I can fix them," but because they're Hott AF and they need someone to love them and all that sad darkness inside of them. And that someone can be me.
"Drink Me" was a victory for me because I've always been afraid of my own sexiness - and of publicly sharing my desires. For years, I didn't know I was goth. I reached a place in my adult life where I was getting increasingly disillusioned and disempowered by feeling like I couldn't express my love of the dark, macabre, sexy, & slightly taboo things. It wasn't until my good friend T said "baby, you're a goth." And my world lit up. They gave me one of my first goth outfit pieces and took me to a goth club. I was a whole new person. I was still allowed to be a bright, happy fairie-tale girl, AND the dark princess - like the heroine of the movie Legend, like the goddess Kore/Persephone. This song is me expressing that dark, dominant side. And I relish it without guilt. It was a huge liberating experience for me. (Watching myself on the tik tok video I made to promote it is still a little uncomfortable, but I'm working on that too.)
The music in this song was inspired a lot by Janelle Monáe (especially the song "Make Me Feel"), and a lot of Trent Reznor's incredible Nine Inch Nails work. At the end, the piano does these super cool chord inversion hits that remind me a lot of the stuff that Yoko Shimomura does with the Kingdom Hearts & Final Fantasy VX soundtracks. Shawna calls it my "Childish Gambino" moment, because it also sounds a lot like the piano at the end of his "Redbone" track.
I love this song so much. I hope it's one that you enjoy too.
Morvryn Lyrics
My Shadow Companion hides his wings
He knows so many secret things
Like struggle, failure, guilt’s cold sting
And from his hidden place, I hear him sing
“Come here, my love, I’ll take your tears,
I’ve walked these halls, I know these fears.
I’ve made this grief into a home;
Come here, my love, you’re not alone.”
As I fall into his arms,
he tastes salt upon my face
And I feel a sense of comfort
In this strange and sacred place
Then I feel a mighty wind
And I hear a mighty sound
And I pull my Shadow closer
As my feet lift off the ground
All I see is rainbow blackness
As my Shadow’s wings unfurl
And I feel a sense of wonder
In this new, familiar world
And my shadow’s now an angel
As he looks into my eyes
And I suddenly fear nothing
As his voice rings out divine
“The dark is not a thing to fight
You needn’t fear your darkest night
Two wings of balance can take flight
A shadow’s born of brightest light
“When night is dark and night is long
I’ll prove your feelings aren’t wrong
Your greatest wound can make you strong
I’ll turn your sorrow into song”
And he transmutes my pain
into ecstatic beauty
And he says “Be not ashamed!”
As he tends to his sacred duty
Every scar becomes a masterpiece at his sight
As from each wound sprouts a plume of radiant night
And he transmutes my pain
into ecstatic beauty
And he frees me from my chains
And I feel his breath flow through me
I feel the stirring of delight
As crystal tears refine my sight
Upon my wings of darkness
We fly into the light, the light, we fly
Into the light, the light, the light!
My Shadow and I, we share our wings
We know that it’s a lovely thing.
About Morvryn
"Morvryn" is another perosnal victory song. Yet again, it's about exploring my Dark Side, or my Shadow. Many of us were raised to suppress the darkness within us, and it took me a long time to dismantle that, and realize that Dark =\= Evil. It is deliberate, cruelty perpetuated by willful ignorance (often born of unconfronted fear) that is evil. But the darkness within us isn't something to be avoided. Nor is it to be allowed to run free and rampant - but rather explored, loved, accepted, and eventually managed in a healthy way. Asking yourself "what external and internal forces are triggering these difficult feelings?" is one way to engage in the important practice of engaging with your shadow. I strive to find the balance between the dark parts of myself along with the light, rather than suppressing the dark until it explodes. This is why I call myself neither a Jedi, nor a Sith, but a Grey Jedi, that follows the middle path - much like Riku in the Kingdom Hearts series, who takes neither the path of darkness nor light, but the Middle Path, the Road to Dawn.
"Ok, the song is bout a balance of dark & light, and working with your shadow self. But why the name 'Morvryn?'" Well, when I started my Shadow Work, I did a LOT of work on the different archetypal personalities within me (these "personalities" more more like hats that I wear in different situations and are integrated wholeistically and are not disassociative like those that love with DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder). Through this introspective journaling work, I identified parts of me that were more motherly, more silly, more hedonistic, more introverted, more demonstrative, more heroic, etc. I gave them all names and associations, and I would sometimes write dialogues between them as a part of my morning "brain-dump" journaling (my Morning Pages, for those of you familiar with The Artist's Way). These exercises were very beneficial to me. When I was able to look at the Feeler of these Feelings as a unique person; able to step outside of myself and look at them as if they were a character in a story, I found myself more able to empathize with them, care for them, love them. It's so easy to hate ourselves for the mistakes we make, but we can often seem to find some empathy for others and say things like "well, you were acting out of pain. Let's find the source of that pain, and try and resolve it. I forgive you for what you have done. I hope you can ask forgiveness for who you hurt, and I would like you to try and forgive yourself as well." We will offer empathy and compassion so easily for others and so difficulty for ourselves. But I found that by stepping outside of myself for a second, I could better offer myself compassion and empathy for why I had acted the way I did, and then re-integrate, take ownership for my actions, and then move forward. I go into a bit more detail on these personality archetypes in our Heroic Self Care guide on our Empowerment page.
"Morvryn" was the name I gave to my Shadow Self, my own inner Byronic Hero, my own inner Dark Sad Boi. Through this journey, I learned not to hate my darkness, but to love him and want to comfort him and show him that he was a blessing to me, and that I could be a blessing to him. Together, we helped ourselves grow.
I also ended up playing him in a 3 year long D&D campaign, but that's another story.
I cannot tell you how much I love my Morvryn. When I am suffering from emotional pain, he is there to empathize, and he has the magic ability to take that pain and help me turn it into art - just like he did when we turned our own darkness into this song. And that is right there in the climax of the song: "He transmutes my pain into ecstatic beauty."
Although most of the instruments in this song are digitally created, the solo violin at the very beginning is me. I used to play all the way through school, though I haven't really picked it up much since I graduated from high school more than 2 decades ago. My bowing was shaky, and my fingering was pitchy, but of Morvryn can resonate beautifully in his imperfections, then so can I. And even though I was self conscious about it, I Did the Damned Thing, and I'm proud of myself. How can I write a song about vulnerability without being vulnerable? Perfection is a myth. Have the courage to Show Up even if you're a bit messy.
The Trumpet was another live instrument. What an absolute blessing to have my brother Josh lend his warm and smooth trumpet to my song. I couldn't think of a better way to help the song soar. I cry every time I hear it.
I hope you enjoy Morvryn as much as I do, and I hope it helps you engage in your own shadow work.
Listen to my album below: